Assessment

Assalamualaikum wbh...

I had an individual test for my academic writing class yesterday. Trust me, at this stage, I'm becoming more paranoid of assessment. And more is coming in the next few weeks. My individual assessment for research method is scheduled in the next two weeks, and my black belt in the next three.
I think I've just realized that it has been quite some times since I last being assessed by someone. At least when I'm fully aware of that. So when I got 'over excited' with the test yesterday, I had cold hands and, well, my handwriting is sooo like doctors (sejak azali), but it was too apparent though yesterday.

Hmm let me see, my last 'conscious' assessment was in 2008, when I sat for my final exams. That was like four years ago. Okay, no wonder then. But what happen in between the four years time? Am I not being assessed at all times?

I had to accept the fact that in the past four years I often regards whatever assessment made on me as a process of sharing and contributing information between my assessors and I. I'm acting like an expert, even when I'm being assessed. So that's why when we had our individual test yesterday I don't fell like sharing it with anyone, and that's why the cold hand and unexplained anxiousness. I didn't experience that kind of feelings when I was on stage giving talks or presenting my papers. I did feel nervous, but it was often beaten by excitement. I got excited when I shared things. Especially when the audience are receptive of that. Questions pouring in, answers and explanations pouring out. I don't mind being observed in those time. They are not observing me, they are digesting my ideas. I enjoyed doing just that.

So when a new sensei observed my kata movement in our last practice session on Tuesday I felt completely lost in an awkward situation. They are not observing my idea, they are observing my skills. Physical skills, and mental fitness. I hope I can get something done for that just in time for my grading session this 19th and if I succeed at it, I can fly to Seoul in good spirits as a Sho Dan then.

Wassalam.